How do I Know
by mystica88
Summary: A missing scene from The Shrine where Jeannie has an important question for John.


A/N: Just a quick little scene that's been floating around in my head for a while and needed to get out. Set in _The Shrine_ shortly after Ronon tells Jeannie about the shrine and before she confronts Keller.

Oh, and the legal stuff, I do not own Stargate: Atlantis, or its characters. As usual, it's lucky for them that I don't.

XXX

"John," Jeannie's tentative voice sounded from the hallway. Sheppard paused in mid step as he was leaving his quarters and was heading the opposite way.

"Jeannie," he said as he spotted her. "I thought you were…?"

"I was," she responded quickly. "But I…" she turned her head away quickly as she tried to shake away a fresh bout of tears.

"Hey, look," Sheppard said as he quickly closed the distance between them. He was uncomfortable, but he knew that he had to do something. It was bad enough seeing his best friend slowly fade from them, but so see his sister break down at the sight as well… Rodney wouldn't want that. "Do you… would you like to talk?" he asked her. He wasn't good at this, but it seemed that those from the McKay family were good at bringing it out of him.

She held a slightly shaking hand up to her face a moment before she blinked hard, allowing two tears to flow from her eyes before she nodded.

Sheppard took her by the arm and ushered her back into his quarters. "Sorry about the mess," he said as he picked up a discarded shirt from a chair and tossed it on his bed.

Jeannie sat down in the chair, shaking her head, "No… I understand. I… I'm sure the last few weeks have been difficult for you too."

Sheppard swallowed back the lump that was in his throat and nodded tightly as he sat down across from her on his bed. "Yeah," he said in a husky voice. "It hasn't been easy."

"John… " Jeanine started and then stopped. She looked away, leaving Sheppard in uncomfortable silence for a moment. Finally Jeannie wiped a few more tears off of her face and then proceeded. "John, you've been Meredith's best friend now for several years."

"Well I don't…" Sheppard started to say. But Jeannie waved a hand and interrupted him.

"No, you have. In fact, I think you probably have been a closer friend to him than he has ever had."

Sheppard sucked in his lower lip but remained silent.

"I guess what I want to know is… does he…" she stumbled a moment and looked away. Then she turned her face back and looked John directly in the eye. "Did he really love me? Or was I just an obligation to him?"

"What?" Sheppard asked not sure where something like that could come from. "Jeannie… how?"

"I know it sounds cold… but after he cut contact with me for four years, I thought that… that he didn't care about me other than what advances I might be able to make to science. I thought that once he saw that I wasn't going to be there to help him with his work anymore, he no longer cared for me."

"No," Sheppard said firmly. "And I can't even believe that you would think that. Not after everything that happened back on Earth last year with Wallace."

"That's exactly my point!" Jeannie snapped as she stood up. Sheppard watched as she began to pace while she talked agitatedly. It reminded him so much of her brother that it was difficult to concentrate on what she was saying.

"Yeah, sure, he came back to Earth when he heard I was kidnapped. But I'm sure the SGC didn't give him much of a choice. I was a security risk. And how would it have looked if my own brother didn't try to help find me? He had to do it to keep people from talking. And then he was the idiot that risked an escape that wound up getting me infected with those nanites. And then, when I finally was cured, it was like it was painful for him to admit that he loved me and bought me a stinking car to appease his guilt. But that was it! He nearly lost me but hasn't made any more attempts to contact me more or visit me and Caleb and Madison! He just hides here, in Pegasus, ignoring his family. It certainly doesn't sound like he loves us very much." Her last sentence was spoken almost on a whisper as she collapsed into the chair, nearly giving over to her tears again.

Sheppard was silent for a while as Jeannie struggled with her emotions. "So," he said softly. "He never told you what happened when you were in the coma?"

Jeannie wiped her face again and looked as Sheppard. "I… I know that he had to get the Wraith to help him with the coding…"

Sheppard shook his head, "No, I guess he wouldn't have told you," he said softly.

It was Sheppard's turn to stand up and start to pace a little as he got his thoughts in order. He was going to have to tell Jeannie about one of the most difficult conversations that he had ever had with Rodney next to the one they had had a few nights ago on the pier.

He turned back to Jeannie and began to tell her the story. "The Wraith was the only one that was going to be able to fix the problem in time and he was close," Sheppard explained. "But he hadn't fed in a long time and collapsed before he could finish."

Jeannie stared up at Sheppard, not sure what he was trying to tell her. Sheppard swallowed as he recalled what it was that McKay had said to him that day. "Jeannie, your brother came to me when he saw that there was no way that he was going to be able to save you without the Wraith. He told me that you were going to die if the Wraith didn't feed."

Sheppard paused and then came back over to Jeannie and sat down in front of her. He choked back his own emotion as he said, "Jeannie, he told me that he should be the one the Wraith should feed on."

Jeannie was so stunned at Sheppard's words that all she could do was stare at him. "He insisted that, if his death meant the Wraith could cure you, then it would be worth it."

It suddenly hit Jeannie what Sheppard was saying. Her hands flew to her face again as she began to softly sob. Sheppard pulled her to his shoulder and let her cry it out. "Why… why would her do that?" she whispered into his shoulder.

"Because he loves you Jeannie. He even said that he was doing it for Caleb and Madison too. He might hide it well, but family is incredibly important to him. Even more important than his own life."

Jeannie continued to cry for a while until she seemed to finally get it all out. Sheppard released her as she sat back in the chair and tried to rid herself of the moister that was all over her face now. "John," she said in a raspy voice. "Thank you. I guess I was being an idiot to think he didn't care. But, he never says it and I guess…" she broke off a moment and then pressed on. "It looks like he's never going to get the opportunity to say it now and I needed to know… I just needed to know before he…"

"I know," Sheppard said quickly, trying to keep both her and himself from dissolving into tears again. "Believe me, I know. He's not an easy person to read. Heck, he's not an easy person to get along with." Both of them shared a smile at that. "But it's the things that he does that show how much he truly cares. And he does. He cares far more than anyone would ever imagine possible for him."

Jeannie smiled softly and said, "I guess I have always known that. But it's hard to remember with him at times."

Sheppard nodded as he stood up and offered her a hand. "Do you want to go back and see him? I'll go with you if you want."

She took his hand and stood up but shook her head. "No. I need to talk to Keller. I need to understand what has been happening to him. I'm too much like my brother to just let things be. I need to know everything."

Sheppard gave a half smile and nodded. "Yeah, Rodney's the same. I'll be with him if you need to talk anymore, or have some support."

Jeannie nodded and turned and walked to the door. When she reached it, she started to head one way as Sheppard followed her out to head in the other direction. "John," she said as she turned around.

He turned and faced her again as well. "Thank you… not just for telling me… but for being there for him. You're a good friend."

Sheppard gave her a smile and nodded before he turned and started to head towards McKay's isolation room. As he walked, Jeannie's parting words rang in his head, but they were spoken by a different voice…

_You're a good friend, Arthur._


End file.
